When Recovery Isn’t Quite Recovery At All
So what if your journey through your eating disorder recovery isn’t going the way you had thought it would go?
You made huge strides with eating- you eat all the macros, eat way more frequently than you had before, and you challenge yourself with foods, but you still feel obsessive and anxious; you just feel you are not quite there yet.
You feel something is off. For sure, it feels a lot better than before; after all, you are eating and feeling more energized than ever! But completely free from the shackles of your eating disorder? Not thinking about food all the time? That’s not a thing you experience at all. And you wonder why. You wonder why your mind is still tied up with food if you’ve made all this progress.
Or maybe you know why. And it has to do with how much your fear is holding you back. Your fear of not “eating healthy” or your fear of “gaining weight” is getting in the way.
Maybe you are someone who struggled with anorexia, and now you struggle with orthorexia.
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What is orthorexia?
Orthorexia is not officially in the DSM– my favorite book 🙄 –, so it is still a part of the not otherwise specified diagnosis. Maybe one day they’ll give it its own category, but who knows? Not that it matters; it’s an eating disorder, no matter what you call it.
Orthorexia is the obsession with “clean” or “healthy” eating.
So much so that it becomes incredibly restrictive and obsessive. Not only with the types of foods a person chooses to eat but also with eating times, quantities of food, etc. And then it can affect one’s decision to spend time with people and increase their rigidity with anything that may be related to food.
When Orthorexia happens as a secondary eating disorder (as a result of some ED treatment and increased regular eating), it typically occurs in one of two ways:
One:
Someone is unaware of what is happening to them. They think they are eating well and doing better than before, but they cannot figure out why they are still so anxious or do not understand why they have such a terrible body image.
OR
Second:
Someone knows something is not right; something is not 100%.
They feel they can do more; they could challenge themselves more, or they feel there is more on the road ahead of them. They may know exactly in what moments they aren’t making “recovery-oriented” decisions. But they give in to the fear of gaining weight or not “being healthy.” And they hide behind the facade that they are “better.” If this is you, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Okay, so you acknowledge something is wrong. Now what?
This might come down to your personal story and how far you want to go in your recovery journey.
You get to choose when you stop. So you decide where you want to go.
If this is working for you, eating more regularly but still obsessive because you’re teetering into Orthorexic territory, keep doing what you’re doing. No one says you have to do it anymore.
BUT If this makes you feel stuck and you know you could do more, - keep reading!
First: Put it out there: know that this is not it. Acknowledge that there is more to go, and you’re still afraid of what’s next. Be honest with yourself and admit that this is perhaps not the recovery you’ve dressed it up to.
Second: Reflect on how your providers are helping you or keeping you stuck. Is your dietitian looking at more than just your food behaviors and celebrating that you’re doing awesome? Is she making space for how you are making your food decisions? If someone is leaning into your anxiety about weight gain and not pushing you to take more risks, they allow you to stay stuck.
You Need Someone Who:
Says something like,” We want you to have a healthy relationship with food and with your body” and
“We don’t know for sure what will happen for sure with your body”
Instead of “Don’t worry, we won’t make you get fat!”
Someone who calls you out when you need it and holds your hand at the same time. Someone who won’t let you say you prefer certain foods when you actually prefer it because you want to avoid the anxiety that comes along with eating the food.
This person will take you further into recovery and won’t let you stay restrictive or obsessive with eating.
You need to be honest with yourself.
Third: Ask Yourself This Question:
If you weren’t worried about your health or your weight, what would you eat right now?
If it is too much to change the entire meal, start with a small change, like changing the oil for your dressing to a salad dressing out of a bottle. Or having the bagel with something easier in it. Challenge yourself over and over until it becomes easy.
Fourth: Don’t surround yourself with people who talk about weight.
Even if this sounds impossible because everyone you know talks about weight and food, try as much as you can.
If people around you start talking about weight or eating habits, you do not have to engage. You can even excuse yourself from the conversation completely if there’s an opportunity.
Fifth: Work on your body image
Know this is something you need? Check out some of the other episodes that specifically talk about body image and tools to help with this.
7 Tips for Positive Body Image
Remember:
This is one of the hardest places for you to be. On the outside, everybody else sees you doing so well. And you have to stand up for yourself and acknowledge that that isn’t true. But it’s worth it, I promise.
If this post resonates with you or makes you feel something, share it with a friend! I hope we can keep this important conversation going long after the post ends.
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Tweetable Quotes
“Don’t surround yourself with people who talk about weight.” – Rachelle Heinemann
“You get to choose when you stop. So you decide where you want to go.” - Rachelle Heinemann
Resources
Body Image and Tools to Help episodes:
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Hey there! I’m Rachelle, the host of the Understanding Disordered Eating Podcast. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, I work with clients to make sense of life’s messy emotional experiences.
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