Unleashing Your True Strength with Mya Kwon, MPH, RD
We’re talking about self-compassion… but not the kind you’re thinking.
Don’t roll your eyes yet, because if you know me, you know I’m right there with you. I’d never hand you mushy-gushy self compassion as a whole freaking episode. So hang with me. 😬😬
I love that the two of us are talking about this topic. Why? Because she and I are the most direct, no-nonsense women in the world. So we won’t be talking about self-compassion from the perspective of, “Oh, you have to love yourself more! Increase your positivity and affirmations!” Ugh, gross. Please. 🙄
Hey, if that works for you, then great! But if you’re anything like the two of us, that totally won’t work for you. We’re coming at it from a practical and physiological perspective that you won’t want to miss.
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Mya Kwon is an anti-diet dietitian. She has a Masters in Public Health and Nutrition Science and works in two places: she has her practice, an online program called Body Respect where she’s helped hundreds of women break the cycle of food guilt and body shame; and she’s part of the nutrition faculty at Seattle Pacific University.
Mya has such cool ideas and you can see more of her anti-diet dietitian content on her Instagram. She’s done countless lectures at many different venues and on many different topics, and I am honored to be speaking with her today – honestly, she’s just a big freakin’ deal. 💫
Read on for more on our conversation on self-compassion.
Why Self-Compassion?
Early in Mya’s career, she worked in a university student counseling center. Mya saw that one of the biggest hurdles to recovery from eating disorders is how harsh people are with themselves, whether it’s negative self-talk, self criticism, or self guilt-tripping. Resonate, anyone?
After hearing the work of self-compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff, she was intrigued and went through a life-changing training with her. Dramatic? Maybe. But listen to this. She learned that compassion means “to suffer with.” So not that overly sweet or positive stuff.
One of the most memorable parts of the training for Mya was actually from a male therapist co-leading the workshop. Chris Germer knew that he’d never get anyone to sign up for “self compassion” so renamed it to its more accurate title: “True Strength.” 🤯
Is that not what self-compassion is?! That’s what helps us get out of self-criticism, judgment, and shame, and gets us unstuck. It’s what allows us to tap into the most empowered, productive, and powerhouse version of ourselves.
There are very practical things you can do to practice self-compassion and create strength, so you can get out of the shame cycle and recover.
What Is Self-Compassion?
There are three components of self-compassion:
Self-kindness over self-judgment
Common humanity vs. isolation
Mindfulness instead of over-identification
Self-kindness Over Self-Judgment
Self-kindness over self-judgment means treating yourself with care and goodwill. It’s changing your response to difficult moments to be kind rather than judgmental.
This might mean you find yourself in a moment where you feel like you’ve eaten too much and you’re uncomfortably full, and instead of being judgmental to yourself in that moment, you choose a kinder response. Rather than making judgmental statements like, “I’m disgusting” or “I’m fat,” you might choose to say, “I’m really full in this moment, and that’s ok.”
Definitely something that takes practice, right?
My own little take here: if that feels completely unrealistic for you now, replace “kindness” with “curiosity.” Instead of harping on “I feel fat” you can begin to think about “I wonder what about feeling fat is particularly upsetting to me.”
Common Humanity vs. Isolation
When we’re having difficulty and we get into a negative spiral, we tend to isolate ourselves. We tend to think there’s something wrong with us and think that we’re broken. And the further we retreat into our dark hole, the worse the negative self-talk becomes.
But the reality is any difficulty we’re having doesn’t mean we’re broken; it means we’re human.
When you change your mindset and realize you’re having difficulty because you’re human, you can free yourself of the negative self-talk. You don’t have to feel like “I’m wrong,” “I’m bad,” etc.
Mya highly recommends group therapy for this reason: you’re in an environment where others are suffering from the same thing as you, and you get to see that your difficulties are what connects you to other human beings, rather than isolates you.
Mindfulness Instead of Over-Identification
When we’re in a self-deprecating cycle, we can get overwhelmed by it. But when we get distance from it, we can acknowledge that it’s happening, and avoid drowning in it.
We can realize we’re not alone, and we can offer ourselves kindness in that moment.
It’s important to be mindful and acknowledge when moments are difficult so we can connect with others and move through the pain, rather than pretending like everything is fine when it’s not. No change can happen without recognizing, “Ok, this situation really sucks,” first before trying to move on from it.
Why Should I Do This?
It’s tempting to shrug off self-compassion as something cheesy and not for you. However, Mya says it’s important to understand what happens physiologically to our bodies when we are too harsh with ourselves.
When we are being mean to ourselves – maybe you ate too much and now you’re telling yourself you’re disgusting – you trigger your body’s fight or flight system. This is our body’s nervous system that helps us get out of danger.
This is the same type of response that would happen if you, say, ran into a bear. If you ran into a bear and your fight or flight response kicked in, blood would rush to your heart and your adrenaline and cortisol levels would increase. This would help you make quick reactions, like running and screaming, and would protect you from that physical danger.
And guess what? Emotional attacks that we put ourselves through puts you through the same kind of physical response.
Your body can’t tell the difference between a physical attack and an emotional attack. These reactions should ONLY be active for a short period of time, while we get out of danger, and then we’d like to calm down.
When you’re constantly mean to yourself, you have high levels of adrenaline and cortisol all the time that is stressing your system.
Rest and Digest
By being kind to yourself, you’re triggering your body’s “Rest and Digest” system, as Mya calls them. You’re lowering your stress hormones and increasing your feel-good hormones, like oxytocin, that helps us calm down.
When you feel better and aren’t in a state of constant stress, you can think more clearly and make kinder choices towards yourself. It’s hard to think rationally and use tools that you KNOW are helpful when you’re in a fight-or-flight mode long term.
Moreover, believe it or not, you can actually absorb nutrients from food more readily when your body isn’t under stress.
Healing
So, how do we use the framework of self-compassion when working to heal our relationship with food?
There are some very practical ways to practice self-compassion on two different levels.
Even when you don’t feel like it, there are things you can do.
Concerning your body’s physiology, there are three ways to trigger your body’s physical self-compassion system – the “Rest and Digest” mode:
Warmth
Physical touch
A soothing voice
So when you watch movies and you see emergency services comforting people in trauma by wrapping people in blankets, giving them a warm cup of tea, and telling them it’s going to be ok… for once, something in the movies is actually based in reality. 🙃
This might mean calming yourself down with a warm blanket and the physical touch of a loved one. Reading that might make you feel like “oh, that’s not the kind of person I am.”
But self-compassion isn’t something you’re born with; it’s something you choose to practice over and over again.
You might struggle with feeling like you’re not good enough. But by practicing this self-compassion, you’re not being weak; you’re actually giving yourself a safe space to grow.
Mindset – Where To Start?
Mya’s first question for someone wanting to get started is: “How has the current way of talking to yourself served you? What happens after the negative self-talk?”
She says many clients say they’ve already failed, so they might as well punish themselves further. Cue the endless cycle of punishment and shame.
By helping someone identify what actually happens after negative self-talk, it’s usually easier for them to see that it doesn’t help them love themself more or heal their relationship with food. It just doesn’t serve them.
And so, she helps them then answer the question: “How would it feel to try something different?” It’s important to treat it like an experiment – one in which you always have the option of going back to the way it was before, if you choose.
Ultimately, self-compassion means recognizing when you’re in a difficult moment and changing your response to that difficult moment. And that’s where the true strength comes from.
Change is Scary
It’s normal to feel scared of making a change – even if you’re changing something that’s not working.
It could be a change that’s good for you, and yet it’s ok to feel scared and uncomfortable to make that change. By taking this small step that’s just a little bit outside your comfort zone, you’re allowing growth to happen… because growth doesn’t happen in the safe zone.
If you’re someone who might be used to suppressing negative emotions, it might feel completely overwhelming to actually feel these emotions and acknowledge them. But we have to be able to see how big the pain is to take it out – and there’s where working with a therapist, dietitian, and team is so valuable to walk you through it.
Tweetable Quotes
“In reality, any difficulty we’re having doesn’t mean we’re broken; it means we’re human.” – Mya Kwon, MPH, RD
“...my difficulties are not what isolate me or make me different; they’re what connect me to other human beings.” – Mya Kwon, MPH, RD
“By practicing this component of kindness, you’re not being weak; you’re actually giving yourself a safe space to grow.” – Mya Kwon, MPH, RD
“You can go back to whatever you were doing before – as long as you try this for however much time and really give it your all. We’re seeing this as an experiment.” – Rachelle Heinemann
Resources:
Mya’s Website, Food Body Peace