How Do I Learn To Trust Myself? with Diane Barth
Do you find yourself questioning your own thoughts and decisions?
Does the concept of “intuition” baffle you? When someone says “trust your gut” do you wonder what the heck that’s supposed to look like? If you’re anything like a lot of the people I talk to, this happens a lot.
It happens physically (think hunger/fullness, cravings, etc.), and it happens psychologically and emotionally (think making decisions and knowing what you want in life.)
Today we have Diane Barth talking all about trusting oneself. F. Diane Barth, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice. She also teaches and supervises other therapists. Her articles have been published in professional journals and in popular online magazines including Think and Quartz. Her most recent book is I Know How You Feel: The Joys and Heartbreaks of Friendship in Women’s Lives. She has a blog on Psychology Today, called “Off the Couch” and a blog on Substack called “Aging Without a Map.”
I have been reading Diane’s work for years! She’s one of those eating disorder analysts I’ve been talking about, although recently, she’s been doing more general therapy work. Today’s conversation is particularly relevant for individuals on the path of eating disorder recovery, as self-trust can feel elusive and challenging physically and otherwise.
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Understanding the Lack of Self-Trust
Diane sheds light on why individuals with eating disorders often struggle to trust themselves. From a young age, food choices and decisions are dictated by others, leaving people feeling disconnected with their body’s signals. I mean, you have someone answering all your questions: what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, that is bound to create some confusion, right?!
*Diane also emphasizes this is not about bashing parents and their parenting style. It’s merely to point out what happens as children are growing up.*
The multitude of external messages about food and one's body further complicates the ability to understand their own cues. Sorting through these conflicting signals becomes a daunting task, leading to a lack of self-trust and silencing of oneself.
The Complexity of Internal Conflict
Even when you have an awareness of the different signals and messages, trusting yourself can still be challenging. Your feelings tell you one thing, but your brain says another. (lovely 🤨)
It can even get more complicated than that. You may have no clue what part of you wants what and feel confused and overwhelmed by the sheer organizing of it all.
Internal conflict arises when your feelings and thoughts seem to contradict each other. In today’s culture, there is often a perceived “right answer,” which makes people fear making a mistake or being wrong. This fear can lead to seeking constant approval and advice from others, relying on external validation to guide our choices.
Sometimes people feel like they need the stamp of approval from someone else or constantly seek advice from outside sources. Seeking advice is perfectly fine, but relying on that advice is when it gets problematic.
The Impact of Self-Trust on Relationships
The lack of self-trust can also affect relationships. (Oh, just pile it on, Rachelle.) For example, those who struggle to trust themselves may consciously (or unconsciously) attract people who exude confidence and trust in themselves. However, these relationships can become quite complicated over time as the dynamics of self-trust intertwine with interpersonal dynamics. The underlying issue of self-trust seeps into the connections with others, impacting the way people navigate relationships.
I know I am struggling; how can I change?
Diane believes change will happen as you get to learn and know more about yourself. Friends and family members can also help you learn more about yourself as long as it is someone you feel comfortable sharing all these sides of yourself with.
Another option would be therapy. If you’re struggling to trust yourself, therapy can be a transformative tool. A therapist provides a safe space where you can explore your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or external influence. Through therapy, you learn to recognize and process your emotions and thoughts and gain a deeper understanding of yourself. The goal is for a therapist to help the client become more in touch with their own inner wisdom while remaining neutral and supportive throughout the process.
Practice & Process
Building self-trust is a practice you do and a process you go through. Beginning by identifying one area in which you struggle to trust yourself and work through it, either with the support of a therapist or confidante. As you engage in this practice, you’ll gradually gain confidence in your own thoughts and decisions, paving the way for further self-trust and growth.
What if that’s too advanced a place to start?
In therapy, the therapist will help by narrowing your choices of what may be going on, providing the opportunity to identify from the choices. Kind of like multiple choice as opposed to free-form answers. One could also try guessing what feelings are coming up, even if it isn’t accurate. It’s important to develop the capacity to explore, and with that comes not knowing all the time. The question of what makes it difficult to identify and trust emotions right now? Can help jumpstart a conversation (or thought process) that feels like it isn’t starting.
Even if you don’t get the “correct” answer, knowing what it definitely isn’t is still developing more self-awareness.
So, if you can do this with a friend, can your friend serve as your therapist?
Well, Diane says, it’s not as simple as answering yes or no.
While friends can provide support, therapy, and friendships serve different purposes. A therapist’s role is to remain neutral and focused on the client. Whereas friendships involve a mutual exchange of support. However, strong feelings can develop within the therapeutic relationship. The goal of therapy is to equip clients with the tools to navigate relationships outside the therapy room.
So while a friend’s and a therapist’s roles may overlap at times, there are a lot of times when they do not overlap.
If you ask me? Don’t ruin your relationships by trying to DIY therapy with your close ones.
Trusting yourself is a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to explore your world. In the realm of eating disorders, learning to trust your instincts and intuition is crucial. By recognizing the influence of external messages, addressing internal conflicts, and embracing the support of therapy, you can gradually cultivate trusting yourself. Trust the process, trust your journey, and trust yourself.
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Tweetable Quotes
“If you ask me? Don’t ruin your relationships by trying to DIY therapy with your close ones “ - Rachelle Heinemann
“A therapist provides a safe space where you can explore your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or external influence.” - Rachelle Heinemann
“In today’s culture, there is often a perceived “right answer,” which makes people fear making a mistake or being wrong. “ - Diane Barth
Resources
Where to find Diane:
Psychology Today Blog: Off The Couch
I Know How You Feel: The Joy and Heartbreak of Friendship in Women’s Lives (HMH February 6, 2018)
Integrative Clinical Social Work: A Contemporary Perspective
Related Episodes
06. Using Relationships to Heal with Jill Lewis MA, LCSW, CEDS-S, CGP
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Hey there! I’m Rachelle, the host of the Understanding Disordered Eating Podcast. As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, I work with clients to make sense of life’s messy emotional experiences.
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