Secrets and Eating Disorders with Dr. Kathryn Zerbe
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Why do People Keep Secrets?!
The ability to keep secrets is actually a developmental milestone.
As humans, we need a sense of our own mind; we all need a sense of privacy. When a child starts to have more of a sense of self, their capacity to keep secrets increases. Secrets are not inherently bad; it is quite a milestone.
The problem becomes when secret keeping is not solely for the purpose of having a bit of space to ourselves. When it becomes obvious to a kid that something bad is happening and they get implicit (or explicit) messages to keep things quiet. When it becomes clear to a child that sharing more of themselves is not welcome. Or when a teen needs to assert themselves so loudly in order to let others know they’ve individuated when they feel smothered.
For better or for worse, secrets dwell in the mind, no matter what.
So if it’s a surprise birthday that you’re planning for your spouse, perhaps that time-limited preoccupation won’t be destructive to your relationship. But when the secret is larger and inherently more destructive, the amount of space it takes up in one’s mind is significant within relationships.
Secrets in the Relationship
The Impact Secrets Have on Relationships
We’re not talking about sharing every last detail with the other person. Complete transparency with no personal information isn’t necessarily what’s optimally healthy in relationships.
It gets tricky when there is a power imbalance created by the secret or if we know something needs to be spoken but isn’t. These secrets will create a divide in the relationship.
In contrast, when you share a secret with someone, it is a sign of intimacy. Your trust in that person grows because there is something there only you two know. This vulnerability usually positively impacts relationships.
Sharing Too Many Secrets
Sharing too many secrets can easily have a negative impact on relationships.
It can seem like a burden to the person who is hearing these secrets, and that may create resentment or impatience and, most certainly, a rift. It is extremely important to know your own boundaries. You need to know how much information you can take in at one given time.
With friendships and relationships, it is always okay to say, “I think you should be taking this up with your therapist.”
Tip from Kathryn: Write. If someone tells you a secret and you feel uncomfortable, write it down. This frees your mind a bit of the pressure that secrets tend to have us hold.
Other ideas to help you metabolize the secrets would be to exercise or use physical outlets, clinical consultation, or tell someone who is more distant from the situation.
Secrets within the Family
How can secrets shape the way families interact?
Kathryn goes into a clinical example of this right at the 20:00 minute mark of this episode. You will have to listen since it is such a loaded question, and she gives such a great example of how a secret can shape a person!
A huge takeaway from her explaining all of this: something may seem small to an outsider, but it can be a huge deal to the person holding a secret. People will start to keep too many secrets when they feel they do not have someone to talk to. This person will start to bury the secret and keep everything too private. To avoid this, look for someone who is a real listener. Like active listening- giving feedback and mirroring body language and facial expressions. (No plug whatsoever for therapy here.)
No secrets= Perfect Family?
No way. Kathryn gives the analogy: think about a house without any walls. There is no privacy. There is nothing holding it up. There is nothing keeping it standing
When too much is shared, the individual does not have any private space of their own. They don’t get to be an individual, which is really important for emotional well-being.
Sharing Secrets in Recovery
Recovery cannot be quick. Each person’s story takes time to be told; it evolves as time goes on.
When a patient shares a huge secret, it is a big step in their recovery. However, it is not the end all and be all but the beginning of a new chapter.
The research shows when those big secrets are revealed or shared in a healing process, it has many benefits. There is data to support how revealing these repressed secrets can actually raise a person’s IQ. Clinicians have also shared how patients have become more ambitious and returned to school as if a huge weight has been lifted off their shoulders.
There are so many pieces to this feeling. The secrets themselves, the way you feel about them, the way you put them into words, and the way you feel about telling them. This all gets put together in therapy. The patient needs to feel very clear about being in a safe place. There has to be a time for permission-giving and trust-building. They need to know you will not try and take over their mind.
Again, per Kathryn, to her patients- write things down. Something neuroanatomically and neurophysiologically happens when you write things that are entirely different from the verbal process.
What happens to the secrets that live in our bodies?
As Kathryn would say– this is the $100,000 question. (I’d add a zero for inflation.) If we knew this answer, we would be much further along. These secrets take up space in our bodies and create pressure within us. We all have a body budget, and if we do not care about the budget, we will run out of gas.
If a person is feeling a physical ailment (from the secret), one technique Kathryn will use is to ask specifically about how something is feeling today. If someone with an eating disorder comes in with foot pain, she would ask, “What is your foot telling me today”? The patient’s pain is real, and it allows the session to grow because we are addressing what they are feeling that particular day. This allows the patient to speak through their pain.
Why do people develop an eating disorder from keeping secrets?
Simply put by Kathryn- in the unconscious mind, food is equated with love. Looking at rituals: bringing food to the bereaved, taking a date to dinner- why do we do that? Deep down, there is a connection between food and love because someone feeds us in a way. Something has been distorted there with love and food.
Takeaway: Conversation is key.
When someone has a buried secret, they struggle to put it into words. Start writing it, asking for help to say it, anything to get the secrets out.
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Tweetable Quotes
“Secrets are not inherently bad.” - Rachelle Heinemann
“ Secrets dwell in the mind, no matter what.” - Dr. Kathryn Zerbe
“Tip: Write. If someone tells you a secret and you feel uncomfortable, write it down.” - Dr. Kathryn Zerbe
Resources
The Body Betrayed: Women, Eating Disorders, and Treatment 1993/1995.
Related Episodes:
57. The Connection Between Trauma and Eating Disorders with Heather Ferguson LCSW
64. When Words Fail and Bodies Speak with Tom Wooldridge PsyD, ABPP, FIPA, CEDS-S
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