Change Your Mindset, Change Your Life with Jen Diaz
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She does this by using her training in positive psychology and neuroplasticity to shed light on unconscious ways of thinking that might be holding a person back.
And once someone is aware of these unconscious thinking patterns, they can work through it, embrace every part of themselves, and make a greater impact on the world.
Tip of the Iceberg
The people who want mindset coaching are usually the ones who already have the list of things they need to do to grow their business. They’ve done the research, taken all the courses, they know exactly what to do, but they’re still stuck.
It’s super frustrating to see what’s possible, but not take any action – and not know why or how to change. So if that’s you, you’re not alone.
But if we’re only looking at our behaviors and the list of things we can do to change, we’re totally ignoring the unconscious mind that’s running the show. Meaning, we’re only getting the tip of the iceberg.
In order to really thrive in your life and reach fulfilling and exciting goals, we have to stop just looking at the action and the outcome and start looking at the root cause. Only then can we start moving forward without quite so much resistance.
Transfer of Behaviors
This process of getting to the root cause of the issue in mindset coaching is very similar to the eating disorder treatment approach I take. We’re looking at the “why” more than the “what” so we can start moving forward.
Because if you don’t, you’ll start to see those behaviors pop up elsewhere.
While you might recover from a particular struggle, you might start to see a similar behavioral pattern in other parts of your life – like your work or relationships. The problem will never truly “go away” until the root cause is addressed.
Curiosity
That being said, curiosity is a perfect trait for this process.
You have to be curious. If you’re approaching your behaviors with curiosity and compassion, that’s going to be the foundation of this entire process. If we can get away from viewing our actions, thoughts, and emotions with judgment or shame, a lot of growth can happen.
Easier said than done, right? There’s a vulnerability in being curious. You have to be comfortable with uncertainty, which can be difficult. But once we have the courage to embark on that, it really opens us up to learning about ourselves, and growth.
The Darker Side of Our Emotions
If you’re curious and open to learn more about yourself, that doesn’t just include the easy-to-look-at parts. It includes the darker, more taboo parts, too.
We’re taught when we’re young that in order to be accepted and loved, that you can’t have certain undesirable traits. But the danger of not looking at those “undesirable” things is that you might project them onto others or act them out in an unconscious way.
Because that shadow stuff? It doesn’t just go away. And sometimes, when we don’t look at it, it actually gets stronger.
Ex.: You don’t want to be selfish. You shove down the parts of you that maybe are “selfish”, and therefore shove your needs down. You don’t ask for what you need, put others above yourself, and partake in people-pleasing behaviors. Over time, you might lash out at people and don’t understand why. Your needs aren’t just going away; they’re exploding as lashing out because they’re not being met.
But when you start to ask for your needs to be met in a healthy way, you no longer feel the need to lash out anymore.
Not sure what your shadow traits are? Ask yourself what you judge most in other people. That, hands down, is probably your shadow trait. Knowing this results in more compassion for yourself, and for others.
The way this might play out in someone with a history of disordered eating might be yo-yo dieting and restrictions – AKA, denying their needs – and then going all the way to the other end of the spectrum and bingeing.
That’s a version of the “lashing out.” It’s an unmet need, thought, or feeling that’s not going away; it’s just playing out in your relationship with food.
The Root Cause
Once you start getting curious, all these questions start flowing, like:
What function does this emotion, thought, or behavior serve?
Why do you feel that way?
What’s the history of that?
To go back to the example of being selfish and not having needs met, someone struggling with this might have had parental figures who were uncomfortable with their child expressing emotions. So, whenever this person had a need, they learned to keep it to themself.
This person might have learned over time that, to be accepted, loved, and safe, they need to repress their emotions.
And whereas it’s not our fault that these things happen, it is our responsibility to take ownership now and decide how to shift out of that mindset in a healthier way.
When it Feels Like a Betrayal
People might be hesitant to do this type of work because they love their parents (or friends, or whoever) and had a great childhood. This type of work might feel like pointing fingers, or a betrayal.
It’s important to remember that the end goal of this is to better the relationship with your loved ones. And it’s ok to realize your loved ones are wonderful, and you might have had a great experience… but also recognize that they are human beings.
It allows you to meet the needs your loved ones couldn’t meet, and love them better… and then have more compassion for them as human beings.
Duality
There’s duality – your childhood (or experience in anything) can be both amazing and also not ideal at times. Part of this journey is to get to a place where you can hold a couple of different ways of thinking about something in your mind at once. It can be wildly uncomfortable to be both grateful and resentful at the same time.
But humans exist in duality. Your friend might disappoint you, but that doesn’t mean she needs to change or you love her less. You can make mistakes and disappoint people, and still belong and be loved.
Emotions like disappointment are sometimes really tough feelings. If a “negative” feeling, like disappointment, is intolerable to us, then we’ll do everything in our power to avoid that feeling.
An entrepreneur might not take steps that feel risky, and someone in therapy might not actually show their therapist who they really are because it feels vulnerable. Sometimes it feels easier to halfway try and not be disappointed.
But halfway trying is placating your current self and making yourself more comfortable today. Fully trying is prioritizing your future self and what you really want out of life.
And maybe that means taking small steps at first. Maybe, for instance, you’re terrified to talk to your boss about your boundaries. You don’t have to have a huge confrontation with your boss – there are baby steps you can take to start making those “negative” emotions more tolerable to you.
Your First Steps
Once you’re aware of all of this and know you need a mindset change, a good starting point is becoming aware of the way you speak to yourself, and of the thoughts you have consistently.
Take inventory of your thoughts. Avoid judging those thoughts – but whenever a thought pops in your head, try writing it down.
Recognize that you are not your thoughts. They're just there and they’re happening, and you get to decide what to do with them.
Consider journaling and exploring with curiosity why you feel and think the things you do. Think of it like an interview with yourself.
Ex.: You have the thought: “I’m worthless.”
You recognize this thought and journal, answering questions like:
Where is that coming from?
What does this thought/feeling have to tell me?
What purpose does it serve?
Emotions are data (even the not-so-fun ones). They have really helpful information that can help us understand ourselves better, understand how to love ourselves better, and meet our needs better.
You can also say affirmations out loud. Not that you believe every affirmation right away – but over time, it’s been proven that talking to yourself out loud can increase your self-confidence, follow through, and improve your mindset.
Visualization is another great strategy to create new neural pathways in your brain and start changing your mindset. Visualize situations that are positive and what you want to happen instead of the opposite.
Finally, taking small action steps is the last piece. Decide what’s feasible for you today or this week – something that’s not too easy but not too hard that will keep you motivated in this journey.
It’s easy to romanticize big, transformational moments that shift the entire course of our lives. It’s more about the small steps that build consistently over time that change our lives – and that’s sustainable growth.
Tweetable Quotes
“Your needs are not going away. Shoving it down, not paying attention to that need, denying yourself… it just makes it stronger so that at a point, you’re not in control anymore – it is.” – Jen Diaz
“We have needs for a reason – mostly to survive. So it’s going to make itself known strongly because on a subconscious level, its primary goal is survival.” – Jen Diaz
“The end goal is to better the relationship with [loved ones] and have a more mature and compassionate relationship.” – Jen Diaz
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