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Sarah specializes in the treatment of eating disorders, substance abuse, and trauma. She’s a regular presenter at conferences, and she does extensive work with dissociative identity disorders (DID). Maybe I can grab her for another episode about that, because that topic is super fascinating, y’all. 😏

Read on for Sarah’s take on the connection between our attachment styles and our relationship with food.

How It Starts

When we’re born, we need our caregivers. We need our parents or guardians to care for us – and part of that care is being fed. When an infant is being held and getting fed, they’re getting a hit of oxytocin. They’re getting the warmth of their caregiver, and neurons are firing to make (1) feeling loved and (2) eating connected in their brain. 

And this doesn’t stop when we become adults. 

From infancy, there’s a direct correlation between the closeness of a relationship and food… and that becomes intertwined in how we shape our attachments, and therefore, our relationship with food.

Examining our issues with food, Sarah muses, will give us direct clues into what’s happening in our relationships. 

Attachment Styles 

So, what are attachment styles, anyway? Attachment styles describe how we relate to one another. Although they often develop early in life, they do not have to remain the same into adulthood. There are four attachment styles: 

• Disorganized

• Anxious

• Avoidant

• Secure 

Disorganized

Someone with a disorganized attachment style wants intimacy. 

They crave the closeness of a relationship, but when it looks like they’re going to get it, it feels dangerous, and they push it away. 

Sarah talks about her own story with disordered eating, and how that manifested into a disorganized attachment style. She wanted her friends around, but then would feel intruded upon by them, and would push them away. 

Anxious 

People with an anxious attachment style may show signs of fear of abandonment or rejection, and may go out of their way to keep their attachment figure – often as an adult, someone they’re dating – close. 

This might manifest in behaviors that push people away, such as texting or calling many times without getting a response. There’s a spectrum to this, and it runs all the way up to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). 

This is the kind of thing that develops from childhood: as a child, you’d die if your caregiver left you. An adult with BPD may feel they might actually die if their attachment figure leaves them.

Avoidant

Someone with an avoidant style will feel very overwhelmed by closeness. Intimacy will feel intrusive to them. 

Sarah notes that there’s a common misconception that an avoidant style is the best way to be – that someone who possesses this style is independent and can just “do them” – but that is absolutely a myth. It is still an unhealthy style that causes issues in the long run. So maybe don’t feel too jealous if this isn’t you. 

Secure

The previous three attachment styles are insecure attachments; secure attachment is the only attachment that results from a caregiver who maintains trust with a child by consistently meeting their needs. It’s also our goal for life and therapy if it isn’t you yet. 

Ok, so how does this relate to food? 

From the beginning of every person’s life, they spend time eating and suckling – either by breastfeeding or bottle feeding. They’re experiencing eating and being loved at the same time, and experiencing an oxytocin release (hello – same hormone that’s released during intimacy!). 

So, whatever issues they developed in early childhood with food will naturally translate into their relationships as a child, and later as an adult. 

Focus on Relationships

Sarah notes that if you find yourself restricting food, then maybe in addition to treatment, you should focus on your relationships. Focus on cultivating deep, meaningful relationships with others as a step toward long-lasting change.  

It’s not about quantity, but rather quality of relationships that makes the difference here. Ask yourself: How much are you sharing with these people? How much are you inviting people to share with YOU? Building these energetic kinds of connections will be so monumental in healing. 

Where To Start? 

So, what if you’re a person who doesn’t have many friends, or doesn’t know where to find friends? 

Or, let’s be real… you’re terrified to put yourself out there to make friends (been there!🙃)? Where do you even start?!

Sarah sympathizes with social anxiety, and tells her own story of experiencing this in school. For her, a solution was to work. Working forced her to BE with people in a low-pressure way, and she eventually made friends there. 

This exact solution might not be right for you; the question to ask yourself is: What is reasonable? Take baby steps. Don’t expect to join a sorority or fraternity and instantly find your best friends; quality relationships take time. 

Take a small step first. Find a way to be around people without any expectations, and just start there. It can be volunteering, getting a job, joining a mommy and me if that applies, or going to a hobby or movement class. 

Microwave Relationships

Be warned: quality relationships take time. 

Sarah warns against “Instamacy” and “microwave relationships,” or relationships that spark and then burnout rapidly. These are friendships where people are in environments, such as residential treatment settings, that encourage them to share and be vulnerable, so they become close very quickly… only to fall out just as fast. It can feel so new and wonderful to be close with people, but it can fall apart after they leave the treatment setting. It can be the guy you become super close with after a week of dating. It can be the girlfriend who you share the most intimate parts of your life with right away. 

The morale of the story? Slow-cook your relationships. Go out for coffee. Go to the beach together. Feel people out and get to know them over time – because you have things to bring to relationships, too. You then have the opportunity to see if this person is really someone you’d like to become even closer with or not. 

Set Yourself Up for Success

Another tip: set yourself up in situations where you’re going to have the least anxiety. 

For Sarah, that was at her workplace. She didn’t feel pressured to carry on a conversation if she was working, and there were things to do and keep her hands busy – so it was a great place to meet people without pressure. 

In that same vein, find people who share your values and passions. For Sarah, that was volunteering at a kitten rescue shelter. While volunteering, Sarah says she has met so many people who share her values and missions – there’s something about working towards a goal with a group of people that unite people and form strong friendships. 

And, ok, maybe you don’t resonate with kittens – point is, look at YOUR specific values and try to find people who might be similar. 

If You Still Struggle With That… 

If you follow all the advice above and you STILL struggle with social anxiety… How do you go from not vulnerable to vulnerable, and start making meaningful connections? NOW what do you do? 

Sarah says, just show up and be open to feeling your feelings. 

If you struggle with connecting, it’s not about following a formula or certain steps; just be willing to work through your feelings (way easier said than done, right?). 

Give yourself grace to not be perfect, and just keep showing up. 

Tweetable Quotes

“Just show up and be open to feeling feelings that come up in relationships with other people. Sit with them and see if you can work through them.” – Dr. Sarah Chipps 

“If you’re noticing that you’re restricting food… maybe, also, you need to focus on relationships.” – Dr. Sarah Chipps 

“If you struggle with connecting, it’s not like, ‘follow this manual in four steps and you’ll make these significant, meaningful relationships’... you have to be you, and also, lean into your intuition.” – Rachelle Heinemann 

Resources: 

Well Williamsburg Psychotherapy in Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Sanctuary in NYC

Dr. Sarah Chipps’s email, DrSarahChipps@gmail.com